Hooking Up Bartley
by Roxius
Summary: Clovis is tired of Bartley attending to him night and day, so he decides to help his attendent hook up with a girl over an internet dating service! And...things don't go so well in the end. Crack fic. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass. Nor do I own the song mentioned later on in this fic.

A/N: The only fic to ever star Bartley as a main character...

By the way, Code Geass is probably one of the only series with really important old people as main characters (Charles, V.V. and C.C.)...

Also, I seem to like all the minor characters for some reason, like Diethard...and Bartley...and Clovis...and stuff...

Weird, huh? :P

* * *

Clovis la Britannia couldn't take it any longer. Every week, every day, every hour, every minute, every second...Bartley was by his side. He sat outside the bathroom whenever he had to go, and slept beside his bed at night. The annoying fat man even fed him like he was some kind of baby or something!

It was driving Clovis insane. He just wanted some time to himself so he could do...inappropriate things to himself. If anything, Clovis could have just had Bartley executed, but he thought of him as his only friend, so he had to do something much less painful.

It was while he was busy applying his eyeliner, however, that an idea finally came to Clovis.

'THAT'S...THAT'S IT!! I KNOW HOW TO GET THAT BASTARD OFF MY BACK ONCE AND FOR ALL...OR AT LEAST EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE!!!'

After he finished making himself look 'absolutely FABULOUS' for the day, Clovis rushed out of the room and immediately confronted Bartley, who was eating pocky for no apparent reason.

"BARTLEY!!!" Clovis screamed.

"AHH!!! C-CLOVIS-HIME!!!" Bartley cried, jumping back.

Clovis tilted his head to the side. "...Clovis-hime?"

"I...I mean, what is it, Prince Clovis?" Bartley asked, bowing.

"I," Clovis proclaimed, "Am going to help you make your life meaningful!"

"But...my life already is meaningful-"

"SHUT UP!!!" Clovis snapped, and then he continued, "I have decided that you deserve a little break from taking care of me 24/7, so I'm going to..."

"...Yes?"

"...I'm not sure if I should say it or not...it's really disturbing just to think about it..."

"Uh..." Bartley had a bad feeling about this.

Clovis took in a deep breath, and strengthened his resolve without effort. "OKAY!! I'LL SAY IT!!! BARTLEY ASPRIUS, I AM GOING TO...HOOK YOU UP!!!!"

Bartley could say nothing in response.

--

--

--

--

"Prince Clovis," Bartley groaned as he watched Clovis turn on his laptop, "Do we...really have to do this? I like my job, and I don't mind catering to your every need..."

"Yes, but I DO, so we're gonna hook you up with a voluptuous 'sexy young thang' whether you want to or not!" Clovis replied.

Bartley sighed. 'Why must he ALWAYS do this...?'

After typing on the computer for a while, Clovis pulled up a screen that was apparently registration for an online dating site. "Alright, we're gonna pick up some chicks...the digital way! What do you want your username to be?"

"...I don't want a username..."

"Fine! I'll just call you 'BartleyAsprius', so that people will be tempted to learn whether your real name is actually Bartley Asprius or you're just using a fake name! It'll mess with their heads...girls love that kind of weird shit...or at least my mom does..." Clovis replied, typing a few keys.

"Ugh..."

"What are your hobbies?" Clovis asked.

Bartley thought for a moment. "Well...I like collecting scented soaps..."

Clovis scratched his chin, and stated, "Meh...we'll say that you like collecting weapons of mass destruction, and enjoy watching Pussycat Dolls music videos in your free time..."

"WHAT?!!"

"Also, I'm going to say you enjoy doing it doggy-style..."

"EH?!!!"

"And I'm gonna put up a picture of Tom Hanks as your headshot..."

"HUH?!!"

Clovis slammed his finger down upon the 'ENTER' button, and happily exclaimed, "There! Your account on the dating site is set! Now...all we need to do is wait for someone to send you a reply..."

"I...I really don't want to do this..." Bartley spoke up.

Suddenly, a small chime rang from the computer, and Clovis gasped. "Wow! It seems you've already caught someone's attention!"

"Really...?" Bartley asked, now slightly intrigued.

Clovis stared at the screen for a while, saying, "Hmm...her username is 'VioletHair666'...that's, uh, unique. She says that she is greatly turned on by your 'mysterious username', as well as your love for weapons of mass destruction. And...and she wants to meet you right away!!!"

"W-WHAT?!!" Bartley cried, his face bright red, "B-BUT...SHOULDN'T WE AT LEAST GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A BIT BETTER FIRST?! I MEAN...MY ACCOUNT ONLY WENT UP A MINUTE AGO, FOR RA'S SAKE!!!"

Clovis shrugged. "Hey, no one wastes time with such useless banter anymore these days...do you know how many people who met only an hour earlier end up in bed together?"

"No...I don't..."

"Neither do I. Now...LET'S GET YOU READY FOR YOUR DATE!!!"

Bartley tried to run away, but Clovis hit him with a tranquilizer dart and dragged him off into his make-up room...

* * *

_Later that same day..._

Bartley checked once again to make sure his toupee was on straight as he sat down at the table. His blinid date had requested that they meet up at a fancy restaurant that happened to be located not far from Clovis's palace. Although Bartley's usual imperial attire had been replaced with a fancy tuxedo, he had refused to remove his monocle. Glancing at his watch, Bartley realized his date was already 10 minutes late.

"Geez...that annoying wench better get here soon, so I can dump her and go back to serving Prince Clovis like I should be..." Bartley muttered under his breath.

Nearby, Clovis was watching the whole scene through a pair of binoculars, taking cover behind a large bush. He was wearing his golden, jewel-incrusted ipod, and playing 'There's No One As Irish as Barack Obama' at full blast for no good reason whatsoever.

'I can't WAIT to see who this dumb bitch is...I bet she's totally desperate for sex...heh heh...she'll be freaked out of her mind when she sees what Bartley actually looks like!' Clovis thought, snickering to himself.

As he waited, Bartley found himself growing nervous. 'Ugh...what if when I reject her, she gets all scary? Or mean? Or mean AND scary? I DON'T WANT HER TO USE PEPPER SPRAY ON ME!!!! WAAAAAAAAH...'

"Umm...excuse me?" spoke a timid voice from behind.

Bartley felt all the hairs on his back stand on end. 'It's...it's her...'

"Are...are you 'BartleyAsprius'?" she asked.

Bartley nodded, still not yet turning to face her. "And you...are 'VioletHair666'?"

"Yes, I am..."

Taking in a deep breath, Bartley turned around...

...and found himself face to face with Cornelia li Britannia.

-

Bartley was speechless.

-

Cornelia was speechless.

-

Clovis's grip on his binoculars tightened so much so that said binoculars soon shattered to pieces. 'HOLY...FUCKIN'...SHIT...IN...A...BASKET...'

-

Sitting up in bed, Lelouch squinted his eyes in a meaningful expression and thought, 'I sense pancakes...and Viagra!' He smirked.

--

Arthur suddenly collapsed onto his side, and died in an instant.

--

Rivalz sneezed.

--

Rolo climbed off of Shirley's wet naked body and cried, "WHY DO I LOVE YOU SO?!!!"

--

Then...Bartley said, "Uh...hello...Princess Cornelia..."

Cornelia gave him a slight nod. "Err...yes, hello there...B-Bartley..."

Another awkward silence. Bartley played with his fingers for a moment as he tried to think of what to say.

"...I'll...I'll be going now..."

Cornelia nodded again, unable to bring herself to look at him. "Y-Yes...that sounds like a good idea..."

Bartley stood up, bid Cornelia good night, and walked off without another word.

As she watched him depart, Cornelia sat down, and sighed heavily as she banged her head against the table.

'WHY THE HELL DID I LET HIM GO?!!!'

Nearby, Clovis was lying motionlessly in a puddle of his own blood, a pistol held tightly in his right hand...


End file.
